January 12, 2012

The music of first love


Well, music sometimes makes you think, doesn't it? It's funny how you can listen to a song and not even notice the lyrics until one day you actually hear the words and go 'oh yeaaaah!' and then, at other times, you can hear things that probably aren't even there because that's just the way you feel and that's what everything is about. The magic of a language is that people can shape words into whatever they want them to be.
What's more is the power that music has to linger in the memory for such a long time. You only have to hear a couple of chords and immediately the words flood back... it may have been years since you last heard them but they never really left you. Did they?

So I met up with my first love the other day, who I haven't properly spoken to in nearly seven years. We had a lovely 18 months together, embarking on the wonder that is your first major relationship and finding out all the cool things that adults do in our own sweet way. It was all pretty serious and deep until it turned out that it wasn't. It was just giddy, insane first love. One of us was bound to chicken out at some point and that chicken was him but he couldn't bring himself to say it. I worked up the courage to ask him and he tried to avoid talking but in the end he admitted that he wanted to go out and be crazy and meet new people; to be a free bird. As each others first partners, I suppose it made sense at such a young age to go out and explore before the whole University experience passed us by and before we knew it we'd have kids etc. As a rather open-minded young lady, I didn't kick up a fuss. I didn't fight. I just held him tight and told him to go out and explore/see/do what he needed to do. Obviously there were many tears but hey! It was emotional, you know? Anyway, this was all very well and it all muddled along for a while amicably but unfortunately there must have been some kind of communication problem because although I meant what I said, I kind of expected him to sleep around and that we would remain friends. What I did not expect was that within less than two months for him to have found another serious girlfriend, especially since within that time he still claimed to be in love with me and suddenly for us not to be friends AT ALL felt completely wrong. What had I done? Naturally, what with all those teenage hormones swimming around, I flipped my fricking lid. I didn't take it well and perhaps I burned some bridges by not being too kind to the two of them or interferring in the start of their relationship, which should have been a carefree time for them but, to me, the whole basis of it was a joke.

(Randomly inserted pic of people in love)



Low and behold, six years on (yes, six years!) they came to part. Now I don't know the ins and outs but from  a little bit of math, I rather gallantly assume that the same problem still applied. You can't swap one girl for another when all you really want to do is exactly what you want and experiment with life. I said this until I was blue in the face at the beginning but who was I to stop love? Who was listening anyway? Maybe their love was something wonderful or maybe I had been fooled into thinking he wanted things that he didn't. Perhaps it was just that he didn't want me anymore?

Now this is all getting rather windy, especially when I initially started talking about music BUT I do have a point, I promise! Having seen the little blighter last week, I was relieved to see that he is completely high off his face on life in a MAJOR way. Hey, maybe he cries himself to sleep at night or drinks vodka in the dark but at face value, he was overflowing with beans, swinging from the chandeliers and generally a pretty happy chappy. And do you know what? I AM SO RELIEVED. More than the hurt of losing my first love to someone else and losing a good friend, it hurt me the most that he wasn't free like he said he wanted to be. I didn't make the huge sacrifice of letting him go for him to put himself in the same position! I would have fought!
I know that these are all my views and I am sure he might see it in a totally different way but for me this is a nice ending to a chapter in my life that took 6 years to close. An ending where I get to see my friend enjoying his life more than most people I know. Aside from all my ramblings, happiness is the point here, people!!


And finally, to the POINT. This entry has been a little outpour of things that have been knocking around my head for a while and a good opportunity to promote a song, which I like a hell of a lot. By none other than the man who first broke my heart- which I'd like to add, by the way, was one of the best things that ever happened to me.  However, that's another LONG story... 

http://soundcloud.com/yearners/hope-fiend

Enjoy!
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