July 05, 2012

...dreams burn but in ashes are gold...

“It strikes me that this may be one of the differences between youth and age: when we are young, we invent different futures for ourselves; when we are old, we invent different pasts for others.”

― Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending

Since finishing this book the day before yesterday, I have been pondering this paragraph. I went so far as to write a little list of three things I want for my future and three things I would change in my past. And do you know what? It was actually rather difficult. Perhaps a year ago when I was very lost it would have been easy. To create ideals of what has passed and what is yet to come. But I am coming to accept that the only thing certain in life is change. And once you have accepted that, how can you possibly spend your time hankering after what could have been or will be? Perhaps I should have studied Broadcast Journalism in London rather than English Literature and Drama at Kent but then I never would have met my beautiful first love. At the same time, I wouldn't have had my heart broken but someone had to break it first and I am glad it was him. I'm even glad for the girl that was so cruel to me when I was small, I'm thrilled for all the bitches I have come across in fact and all the precious, kind ones, too.
For my future, of course there are things I would like see... I would like to have a silly cat, still love people as hard as I do no matter how many times they fail to return the favour and perhaps have a sweet cafe full of books and strangers having conversations.
You can plan life as much as you like but there are things around the corner that you could never imagine- bright and beautiful, awful and utterly destructive.

The rain clouds are moving in over Barcelona tonight and it's not long now until I finish my shift. One day over. Only six more until I am free from this chair. People keep asking me what my plans are. And I tell them every time with a little smile...

I don't know.
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