I got up very late this morning and cursed myself when I saw the time. You see, that's the problem I have at the moment. I'm being quite hard on myself. It's those emotions coming back. They wash over my head and submerge me temporarily and I find myself fighting to the surface to seek driftwood, to find distraction from such fruitless, oppressive thoughts. What will be will be, Sally!
I have so many things I could do and don't manage but then I don't allow myself to step back and congratulate myself on the things that I DO do.
I've been catching up on reading other blogs this morning. A lot of the things I read sometimes seem like tosh but then I look at the things I write sometimes and realise we're all just out there and at least we're doing the thing we love whether our skill is honed or we're reeling it off, as I have been accused of doing. Over on Hannah Margaret Allen's blog today she was asking the same question. You know what? I don't care if it does seem like I'm reeling it off and neither does she. Writing is a stream of consciousness for me and something I only really decided to invest in a couple of months ago. It's like a musical instrument. It needs playing and perfecting and by persevering, beautiful organic moments come out of it and I sit back and say 'wow, I really like that' and it makes it all worth it.
And so I'm struggling this morning but at least I am fighting against it. Those grey skies are beautiful, not sad. On my sister's blog yesterday she wrote about how when dark moments, she tries to think of three or more things that she is grateful for and that it always lifts her spirits.
I thought I'd give it a try, too.
And so today I am grateful for the following things:
1. First Aid Kit
Especially with these words:
It always takes me by surprise
How dark it gets this time of the year
And how apparent it all becomes
That you're not close, not even near
No matter how many times I tell myself
I have to be sincere
I have a hard time standing up
And facing those fears
But Frank put it best when he said
"You can't plan on the heart"
Those words keep me on my feet
When I think I might just fall apart
2. England and the seasons
I'm sure a lot of my Spanish/Catalan friends were worried about me moving away from the warmth of the Mediterranean but on the contrary! England has such incredibly defined seasons and I love passing through each one of them with a particular fondness for autumn (as you know!) and for horrid grey days. They make me really feel myself. I wrote an article about it months ago that you can read here.
3. Saying no
I'm most fortunate at the moment that I have a warm bed to sleep in with my lovely friends in a gorgeous location. This means I don't have to take work for the sake of it. I can do what I want to do. I feel the pressure sometimes of taking a job for the sake of money and because I should be working, shouldn't I? But I do. I write a hell of a lot. For myself. For Secret Escapes. For some secret project coming up and others. So that's good enough for me. I'm just going to keep being brave enough to do what I want to do until something I actually want to do comes up. And it will. I have moments where my breath catches in my throat and I think 'Oh fuck what if it doesn't?'
But if I keep going. It will.
Buddy's brown nose agrees.