August 11, 2012

Riding the Storm

It is really hard to put things into words at the moment. Change is rumbling through my every day like the threat of a thunderstorm long overdue. I wish it would come already. When storms break, they pour down their angry lashings, sluice out the shit in the gutters and, in wreaking their heavy havoc, they clear the air. However, right now, all is just a little stifling. I´m waiting to hear that distant roar, the groans and creakings of the earth and finally, the gush of water as it pounds down onto the stone.
People like to say "all things come to an end". Like storms eventually come to an end. I don´t know if I completely agree with this. Regardless of life or death, all that we know and feel goes in circles. Such is the nature of everything. Everything has a cycle. I don´t think that anything can ever be over. It´s probably just waiting its turn in the huge spheres and chains of life. Perhaps it doesn´t look exactly the same, perhaps it has dramatically evolved with time but the element of possibility remains. Anything is possible.
The thing is, while I believe that nothing ever really comes to an end, it´s a little harder to action on a day to day basis. It´s easy to be dramatic, pessimistic and close your mind to the idea of just allowing fate to work her magic. But we all know that she will, regardless of how we grapple with the idea that we can control our own lives. Of course we have our own free will but we can never be sure of the outcome. Our lives and choices are one giant gamble.
The potent unknown of our fickle friend, fate, is what can be all-consuming in those unsettling, electrically charged moments before a storm. September is my storm, leading me blindly into the unknown and away from the person that I love and to a new chapter in my life, without an indication of what´s in store. Exciting? Yes. A little frightening? Yes. What about the two of us and the last four years? I don´t know. All we do know is that we have to sally on into the unknown and see where it takes us. Whether it be further apart, or full-circle back to each other and with new things to bring to a relationship that has simply come to a fork in the road, we cannot know. There have been moments where I have almost indulged in silly thoughts and actions in an attempt to provoke those weighted clouds, especially since I am alone in the flat for the next five days with no one to bear witness to any character I choose to play, but I know deep down I am only half-playing with these destructive ideas. If I want to break those clouds early, I´d have to wring them out in my fists and deal with the grim consequences of toying with fate.
And so I choose to sit and watch and wait: hoping that the tempestuous moods that I am prone to don´t take their hold and that I come through the storm in one piece. If we could see our futures, what would they hold? Would you really want to know? I wouldn´t. I like to make up little stories about my future before I go to sleep. Good stories and bad stories. Whichever way I imagine it, the drama will still unfold. The cycle will continue to roll.

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